Letting Go of Needing to Be Extraordinary

I remember in high school being quite taken with the not-quite-so-authentic-or-inspired lyrics of Avril Lavigne:

“I want to know that I

Have been to the extreme

So knock me off my feet

Come on now give it to me

Anything to make me feel alive

Is it enough to love?

Is it enough to breath?

Somebody rip my heart out

And leave me here to bleed

Is it enough to die?

Somebody save my life

I’d rather be anything but ordinary please”

Like I said, not entirely the most inspired bit of song writing ever penned to paper… but it encapsulated a desire that was beginning to pressurize in my chest; a desire to do great and extraordinary things in my life.

An excerpt taken from my daily journal around this same teenage-time reveals my own, modest ambitions towards achieving greatness:

Sept 16, 2002

Life Goals:

  • President of the United States
  • Prime Minister of Britain
  • Be knighted
  • Win at least two Academy Awards for Best Director an Actor
  • Win a Tony Award for Best Actor
  • Win a Nobel Peace Prize

…the list went on from there with at least fifteen more items of a similar nature.  Although I am relatively confident that my fourteen-year-old self was cognizant enough to realize that  A) Several of the items in that list would be tactically impossible due to different laws and regulations, such as nationality; B) Would take multiple life times to fulfill, if at all; and C) Would require substantially different skill-sets and life orientations – and yet, I am not so certain I was fully aware of the unfeasibility of such.

The craving within me to achieve something “Great” was profound beyond measure.  I recollect lying on a heap of crumpled comforter, on the floor of my parent’s master bedroom at sixteen, having my first-ever legitimate panic attack due to the fact that should have already attained something publicly noteworthy and profound in my already advancing years of age.

Long story short: I was a nut-job, hellbent for glory, and totally disconnected with any deep sense of self-worth.

I wanted the profoundly extra-ordinary to manifest in my life and convince me that I was merely good enough.

Sound like a current President we all have the misfortune to be currently acquainted with?

At that time in my life, I really did not have a lot going on to teach me my inherent worth.  I had few (if any) real friendships, I was scared of most everyone I encountered, I was bullied horrendously, I was totally disconnected from my sexuality, and so repressed that I considered myself “broken” because I could not feel what other normal teenagers felt.  I felt really worthless.

And I wanted something glorious beyond measure to tell me I had worth – because I could not find it in myself.

And so, going to college shortly thereafter, I decided to become a professional actor – because assuredly Hollywood and the thundering applause of a raucous crowed would give me that fulfillment.  And, if it wouldn’t be tangibly possible to attain all of those checkpoints on my high school to-do list, at least onscreen I could play a President, King, Physicist and Astronaut and achieve some feeling of that attainment.

Well, life, as she has a way of doing, has kicked me in the gut and pulled the rug out from underneath me, knocking me down, enough times since that point that I began to question that longing.  Why did I want to be a movie star?  What was I afraid of in starting to date other people (something I did not attempt until I was twenty-five years of age)?

Long story cut very short: I eventually started to develop sincere self worth.  I started to learn my “size.”  Learn to know what I had to genuinely offer and what was mere aggrandizement.  I started to genuinely connect to who I truly was, what I wanted, and what I had to give.

A large step in that process for me was discovering meditation.  I truly credit it for giving me my life back.  It taught me to start removing the layers of facade I had unintentionally fabricated, to uncover my truest self beneath.

And – it simultaneously connected me with the mystical – the ethereal – and the divine.

I moved into a meditation ashram right after college – where I learned that I was “special.”   I had unique karma to encounter this practice.  I was blessed.  And that I had a chance to go beyond what normal humans experienced – and live a life that was truly “extraordinary.”

Wait… Sound familiar?  … somehow I traded one dream of self-aggrandizement for another.

In hind sight, I do see there was a dangerous mentality to the tradition I entered.  A promise of specialness. A guarantee of life being more than normal humans (outside the practice) could understand.  And that gave me purpose and a feeling of divine grace.

And then, as all false-idols must, my sacred imaginings shattered to the ground.  The leaders that promised this mystical and otherworldly ideal were revealed to be more human than they presented themselves to be.

And I ended up parting ways from that tradition – heartbroken and distraught.  But still much more alive and authentically myself than I encountered it, thanks to the still-excellent teachings I received.

But in wake of that leaving, I once again have found that craving inside me to be “extraordinary” resurfacing.

Now, I no longer want to be a movie star, or famous, or a figure of social importance.  I actually now desire the simple things: a loving home, a gracious partner, good food, sturdy friendships.


But there’s part of me that wants something so much more – something that I am now beginning to call a connection to the divine.  My experiences in the ashram started to illuminate some glimpses of that for me.

And if I am totally honest with myself – that longing for something more than what we associate “normal” to be – is indeed a spiritual longing.

A desire to return to a state of pure-bliss, pure-awareness, pure-truth that the ancient rishis and “seers” have articulated existing within each and every one of us.

That the longing for the “Extraordinary” is nothing more than a longing to return home – to my Soul.

Spiritual traditions across the globe have articulated that the Earth is just one place conscious beings reside – and that there are other places that we might be more akin to.  That we are “spirits having a physical experience.”

My question is now for myself: how can I truly appreciate and relish the ordinary – while striving for the extraordinary within me – and not through outer glorification?

How can I cultivate the magic, love, light, and prosperity I feel in glimpses in my meditation in the rest of my waking life?

How can I live a life fully empowered, aware, enheartened, and steadfast?

How can I live in truth?

These are my current questions.  Questions to which I am unsure there are solid answers.

What do you think?  Please share your insights and inspirations below!

Namaste,  Kaelan 🙂

Finally Revealing the Movie I Love and Made

It is with sincerest joy that I am finally able to publicly share the film I created, Legend of Amba.  This movie is a modern day fairytale about learning what’s inside your heart, seeing clearly what’s happening around you, and owning your personal truth.

This story was inspired by dear friendships I had cultivated through my teenage years and into my young adult life.  It is about that transition point in adulthood where we move from seeking external validation (seeking the mirages of life that we think will bring us meaning) and instead begin pursuing truth, love, and substance.

I am tremendously grateful to have gotten to work with the dedicated artists who made this film possible.  It was a year of intense cultivation to bring this to the screen – and I am so thrilled to share it with you.

I think anytime one puts forth the effort to create artwork of personal significance and insight – it has a reason to be viewed.  I hope that this movie will find a place in your heart – inspire you – and encourage you to pursue your own dreams and goals.  Magic is possible when we believe in ourselves.  There is magic in friendship; there is enchantment in love; there is wonder in every moment.

This is Legend of Amba.  And I am so privileged to share it with you.

Namaste, Kaelan

Why I am Grateful For Everything… and Yes, I Mean EVERYTHING!

Let’s discuss what it really means to be grateful.

Sure, the birthday present, the unexpected surprise planned by a loved one, the raise given by our employer, these are all easy moments for which to be grateful.

But what about the rest of the moments in our days?

What about the boring spells, the trying times?  How about the fights with friends, misunderstandings with partners, the escalation of fears in harrowing events?  Are we grateful for these instances?  Are there any reasons to find gratitude for life’s most trying moments?

I enthusiastically say, “Yes!”

And here’s why…

Inside each and every one of us are little pockets of energy.  They are accumulated from life events, and a great number of them arrived with us when we were born.  These little pockets attract certain life events to occur.  They attract people we need to meet, challenges we must face, and blessings that will grace us.

And there’s a big reason why they do this: every single event that occurs in our lives must happen in order for that energy within us to break apart and become free-flowing.  We attract life situations that make us free through their happening.

That award you got in school could be there to teach you about self-reliance and maintaining humility under great acclaim.   Maybe that broken bone was the result of some previous life action where you hurt someone else, and now you’re learning to deal gracefully with pain and living gently.

Everything that comes into our lives are lessons that we need to learn in order to evolve.

So that means that nothing is either good or bad.  It’s just a tool to help us grow.  And when we can see each event with equanimity – neither rejecting or desiring its occurrence – we become healed.

If we can stay open and grateful for every experience, then those little pockets of energy dissolve and we might never have to experience those events again.  If we form an emotional attachment – wanting more or less of it – the event will keep reoccurring until we finally let is happen without interference.  In this way, as these pockets dissolve, we become gradually more open, free, and happy.

Seldom in life is any experience solely good or bad.  Something that starts out as a great deal of fun might eventually turn into a nightmare.  Maybe that Academy Award that you so long strived for causes a family member to be robbed.  Maybe that partner you begged to come back into your life becomes abusive.

Similarly, highly unpleasant experiences can become great sources of joy later on.  That hardship you went through might have proved how lasting and wonderful your friendships with your siblings could be.  Maybe that broken bone prevented you from going on a trip where you would have become deathly ill.  No one can predict the outcome of events.  In the words of Shakespeare’s play Hamlet, “There is nothing either good or bad, but thinking makes it so.”

So this provides us with the tremendous opportunity to just be grateful for every life event.  The fun and the not so fun.  The painful and the blissful.  Everything in the universe has been conspiring to bring you your highest growth and sincerest happiness… if you can just hang on to the state of equanimity.

Every morning I start off my day by feeling gratitude in my heart.  I send text messages to people I love, letting them know how happy I am that they are in my life.  When harrowing events occur, I simply say, “Thank you for my healing.”

I’m trying to reach a state where every moment in my day, every breath I inhale, reminds me to be grateful.  I still have a ways yet to go, but I’m inching continuously closer.

And, oddly enough, it isn’t so much the happy times that are helping me most on this journey.  It’s the really hard stuff, where I prove my mettle, prove that I can remain grateful, that shows me how far I’ve come.

Each day, breath by breath, I get a little closer to the goal.  One day, I will live in a state of complete thankfulness for everything in my life.  I hope to meet you there.

Words and Photo by: Kaelan Strouse

12 Daily Rituals That Make Me a Better Human

Let’s talk about the tasks we do every single day.  Brushing our teeth?  Done.  Flossing?  Well, I do… but I know there are some of you who still struggle with doing this one.  Eating food?  That’s a good one to do daily.  More than these simple and basic tasks, there are a myriad of other activities that we can choose to pursue every day that will vastly increase our quality of life.  For example, as soon as I wake up each morning, I take a breath and think of something for which I am grateful.  Just by starting my day with gratitude, I get to commence my morning in a happy and positive way, even before I check my cellphone or set foot on the floor.

In this article, I will explore twelve daily rituals that continue to bring me better wellness and joy – as well as few extra rituals that I hope to incorporate in the near future.

So, here we go.  Here’s some amazing daily routines to improve one’s quality of life:

  1. Meditation

For those of you who have been following my blog or know me personally, there is absolutely no surprise with this item.  Since I was twenty years old, I have been meditating every day for thirty minutes in the morning and evening.  It clears my thoughts, allows me to be more productive, and – in the worlds of Nightline co-anchor Dan Harris – makes me “10% happier.”  Actually, I think that quotation is a vast understatement.  The frequency of spontaneously occurring happiness has skyrocketed for me.  Before I began meditating, I was an incredibly worried, self-involved, painfully shy, insecure person.  Many a day were spent in blind terror of the world around me.  Over time these issues have melted away; and I have become an infinitely more secure, joyful, confident, and happy individual.  Meditation has led me into a state of fairly constant contentment.  If there’s one item on this list that is worth adopting immediately, it is this.

2. Chanting

Whether it be through attending an concert with friends or dancing alone in the shower to the radio, we have all felt music shift our state of being.  When we encounter music, our cells begin to reverberate at the same frequency of the sound we are absorbing.  If you haven’t yet seen the video of the plants singing to each other, here’s a link to do so now.  It shows how even the simplest of life forms really do vibrate with sound and harmonize with one another.  How much better is it then, if we chant the name of the divine, and let that very refined frequency reverberate through our bodies?  Paul Reps, a renowned Zen master famously said: “Mantra shakes our bones.”  When we chant divine words, our bodies become heavenly.  It shakes out our heaviness, our restrictions, and attunes us to a much higher state of being.  I personally chant the Guru Gita, but have friends that chant the Hanuman Chailisa, the Medicine Buddha Mantra, or an assortment of other sacred words and melodies.  It really doesn’t matter what form it takes, singing and chanting elevated words and phrases of any language (though Sanskrit is very special because its creation stemmed from ancient rishis “hearing” it in deep states of meditation) harmonize our bodies to very refined states of being.

3. Oil Pulling

Oil pulling is a task that’s a little more physical than the previous two items.  Here’s what to do: take a teaspoon of oil (sesame, coconut, or clarified butter [aka ghee] are preferred), put it in your mouth, swish it around for fifteen minutes, spit it out, and then brush your teeth.  Why?  This method of cleaning one’s mouth has been practiced for thousands of years by numerous societies.  Not only does it remove plaque and tarter buildup, improve the health of one’s gums, reduce bad breath, and whiten enamel, but it actually “pulls” toxins out of one’s body through the membrane barriers in the mouth.  That’s why it’s important to spit out the oil at the end, rather than swallow it.  It might sound like new-agey nonsense, but I can vouch from personal experience (and from several close acquaintances) what a difference it has made in my life. It has helped countless individuals cure chronic health issues.  You can find hundreds of fabulous articles about it online.  And hey – if it kept ancient, indigenous cultures on good dental health for their whole lives, then it should be good enough for us as well.

4. Cultivating Gratitude

Yes, I start my day with gratitude – and then I also keep incorporating it throughout my day.  Before I eat, when I finish meditating, when I talk with a friend: I take a few deep breaths and feel gratefulness well-up within the center of my chest – and then lift out of the top of my head.  I send it off to the higher realms to convey that I am so lucky for my experiences.  If we can remember to be grateful for our lives, our worlds truly become magical.  We start to recognize the abundance of blessings already around us, and it sends a strong message to the Universe to keep bringing us more wonderful events.  It’s a self perpetuating cycle: the more gratitude we feel in our lives, the more that arrives to inspire a grateful state.  It’s a simple and profound practice to remember.  Some people keep a journal of items they are thankful for, while I just set earmarks throughout my day that remind me to give thanks.

5. Yoga

If we continue to progress chronologically though my morning, the next item on my “to do” list would be physical yoga.  So, physical yoga is what most Westerners think of when they hear the word “yoga.”  It’s actually just a small fraction of the spiritual discipline of Yoga, with a capital “Y.”  Meditation is Yoga.  Self study is Yoga.  Merging with the divine is Yoga.   I do physical yoga every day because it makes my body strong and healthy, it clears out ailments and restrictions, and it makes me happy.  But even these postures are more of a spiritual practice than a form of exercise.  Yoga purifies the body so it and the mind can rest quietly in meditation.  It soothes the nervous system and invites it to decompress so our focus can be redirected towards the internal, subtler realms.  If you’ve taken a few yoga classes, you know that “high” and “glow” that comes from a physical practice.  It is a very kinetic way to begin experiencing our spiritual nature and achieving a more optimal state of health and wellbeing.

6. Cooking

I also view cooking as a sacred act.  When I go to the market, I drink-in the beauty and ripeness of all the produce.  I feel some gratitude for the animals that offered their lives so that I may be nourished – and try to select the most humane and planet-friendly items I can afford.  When I bring the food home, I lovingly select which items will go into my dish.  I start frying the spices in ghee and feeling love in my heart for having the great fortune to feed myself well.  I choose dishes that will make my belly feel yummy, strengthen my muscles, and help everything in my body reach its ideal state.  I cook the food that will bring me the best health.  And when we pay attention to what our bodies really desire, it’s healthy choices like beets and fruit, nuts and dates, maybe bison and farm-fresh eggs.  Overtime, it’s possible to begin sensing how processed and refined foods lack real nourishment.  We sense what will truly bring us our best health.  And when we eat slowly and with gratitude, the food undergoes an alchemical process and becomes pure life-force for us.  We become part of the cycle of nature: sensing our connection to the earth, the natural world around us, and how everything is perfectly in sync.  Food is part of god; god is in food.  I am the earth; the earth is in me.  I am what I eat; all is one.

7. Dancing

I love to dance.  I view it as a divine celebration of life, love, and happiness.  Usually sometime after breakfast has been digested, I will head to my iTunes app and choose my playlist of “Music That Makes Me Feel Awesome.”  The list includes the likes of “Unwritten” by Natasha Bedingfield, “Brave” by Sara Bareilles, and “Be Okay” by Ingrid Michelson.  It is comprised of songs that make me want to take my shirt off, shake my booty, and bounce all around the apartment.  When I dance, its another way I can thank the Universe for all the blessings I receive.  I offer thanks for a strong and healthy body; I let my joy bubble forth through ecstatic movements.  I act silly, strange, electric, and turbulent.  I dance like no one is watching because, well, no one is.  This is not a dance to entice or impress.  It’s a conversation with the divine, and it is a sacred act.  Sometimes my roommate or a friend will come join me, and it is still a dance of celebration rather than about interacting with another.  For me, it’s the fullest expression of being alive: moving my body in rhythm and time to music that makes my heart alight.

8. Exercise

Some days yoga and dancing is enough for me to feel like I’ve used my body well.  Other days I desire to go to the gym and push my physical limits more throughly.  Now I don’t know if this is the case for everyone, but I find great joy in feeling that I’ve exerted a tremendous amount of physical force: that I’ve strained my muscles, that I’ve taught my body to do something that it could not previously execute .  Recently, I’ve been exploring jump-roping and hand-standing.  At first, I couldn’t do either at all.  But gradually, through regular and focused practice, I have attained a modicum of proficiency with both.  I love going to the gym and realizing that I can do one hundred double-jumps, when the week previous I could barely do thirty.  I love landing that handstand, finding my balance, and gracefully lowering, when I previously couldn’t stabilize for even a second.  Learning new skills, pushing physical boundaries, and even simply getting a good sweat every day makes me a happier man.  I don’t think everyone needs this, but it’s important for me.  I don’t like feeling like I’m “trapped” in my body – that comes from being physically stagnant.  I like feeling and looking strong, feeling capable, and knowing that I can do more than I once thought was possible.

9. Time With Loved Ones

This is one of the hardest routines for me to sustain while living in California.  If you read my first article on “Why We Need to Choose Our Surroundings Consciously,” you remember that I discussed how our most frequent and intimate interactions reflect back on our self-worth.  Every day I Skype with my partner, family, and friends.  I text message people out of the blue to let them know I’m thinking of them with love.  I call old acquaintances to ask how they’re doing nowadays.   And with each interaction I endeavor to feel the love, support, admiration, and care that exists between us.

And this is all very good and important to do.  But an even better action is to spend time in physical interaction with loved ones.  Feeling their touch, kisses, embraces, and arms around the shoulders.  There’s tremendous value in touch.   There have been studies that have linked frequent affectionate and caring touch with decreased rates of depression and anxiety.  We are fundamentally social creatures, and we need to feel loved.  Talking and texting is great and so important; but quality face to face time, and hug time, is even more so.  Choosing to regularly spend time with those people who nourish us is a great goal to achieve.

Well, that’s my list of activities I am already undertaking every day to improve my quality of life.  Let’s tack on a few more that I have yet to achieve:

10. Regular Bedtime 

This one is so hard for me.  Some nights I have rehearsals, performances, art events, etc. where I have to be out late.  Other nights, I can stay in and go to sleep whenever I choose.  No matter how much effort I put into having a regular (and early) bedtime, it fails to manifest.  I feel my body and mind are at their best when I’m asleep by ten and wake up around six am. During my seven year residence at the Chicago Ashram, I would have to be at meditation class at six am.  One would hope this meant that I was able to organize my bedtime more effectively, but I wasn’t.  It just meant that most nights I had fewer hours of sleep than my body required.  Since moving to L.A., I may now be allowed to sleep a full eight hours, but it’s hardly ever in the same time of the night; and the later my bedtime, the worse quality of sleep I attain.  I hope sleep schedule will settle down as I age, but thus far it has been frustratingly inconsistent.

11. Regular Meal Times

In very much the same vein as the standard bedtime, I know my body feels at its best when I achieve the following: “every day we are going to have lunch at twelve, dinner at six, and breakfast at eight am.”  But this goal has been even less frequent in occurring than my bedtime.  Some days there’ll be three meals, while other days, two.  Some days breakfast will be at eight, while other days its at one pm.  I truly believe that this is just part of my karma in this life, that I will never eat at the same time every day.  And I recognize that it’s part of having a creative-worker’s schedule.  However, I can sense that my body better absorbs and integrates the food I intake when it’s gotten into a rhythm and knows when and how to prepare.  I’ll chalk this one up to another long-range goal.

12. Baths & Bathing

This one’s kind of embarrassing.  I’m not the best about making sure that I shower every single day.  Yuck – I know.  According to Ayurveda, our bodies are happiest when we bathe in the early morning, before dawn, and again after any physical exertion.  And while I will generally take a shower at the gym after an intense workout, it shamefully does not always happen.  And while there have been swaths of time where I’d get up super early and shower in the dark, that’s not been habitual either.  I’m generally a shower once every-other-day sort of guy… and I’d like to be much better about this.

And not only in regards to showers, but also in taking the time for actual baths.  With salts and bubbles and the whole works.  I know how much better I feel when I let my body soak, allowing  tensions to dissipate through the sudsy water. Or take the time to bathe at a Korean Spa, where I can do it in the comfort and company of my fellow mammals.

Furthermore, the Indian tradition of Ayurveda recommends rubbing one’s entire body with oil before ablutions to increase health and wellbeing.  This practice, called “abhayanga,” is so highly praised in traditional literature, and has such profound healing effects, that I really should make it item number thirteen on this list.  So…

13.  Abhayanga

Everyday, I am going to take the time to rub warm sesame or coconut oil into my skin before taking my bath/shower.  This practice is said to increase strength, radiance, resiliency to disease and infection, and slow the effects of aging.  I’ve done it off and on for years, and when I’ve done it consistently, I have felt positively transformed.  My health has been better.  My skin has been more luminous.  This is something I need to do every single day.  I need to work on keeping my physical body as clean and gleaming as I do my internal spirit.

So, that’s my list!  I hope there were some inspiring highlights for you.  I would be curious to know about other routines that you have found to be tremendously beneficial for your life.  If you have something to suggest, please add it to the comments section below.  And anything you write will be guaranteed to get a reply from me.  So let’s start a conversation about this, please.

Thank you so much for taking the time read my musings.

Namaste!  (The divine inside of me bows to the divine inside of you; inside we are all one!)

Words and photo by: Kaelan Strouse

Learning to Love One’s Self

As humans, we are a mass of contradictions.  “I am a good person” can often be paired with “I am selfish.”  When getting dressed for the evening, “I look great” can live alongside “I look like crap.”  So often throughout the day our minds can fluctuate between “I am a star” to “I am nobody,” or “I am amazing” to “I am less than shit,” or “I am so lovable” to “I am unworthy of love.”  This is the human condition: to continually fluctuate in our perception and understanding of who and what we are.

From the Western perspective, we are supposed to solidify our identity and construct a strong persona.  “I am Kaelan.  I am six feet, one inch tall.  I am relatively handsome.  I am smart, kind, and trustworthy.  I am a loyal partner.  I have a clever wit and am generally well liked by individuals.” And according to this view, the more we reinforce those ideas, the more secure and happy we will live.  But what happens when those opposing thoughts creep in, as they will do?  What then?  Do we let the whole foundation of our self-understanding and self-confidence dissolve?  If we cannot quantify and label ourselves, then who are we?

In Eastern philosophy, there is the idea of “samskara.”  This word roughly translates to mean “impression.”   Every experience we have in our life leaves an impression on our subtle body.  Imagine, if you will, a man made out of tin.  With every experience he undergoes, another little dent is made on his metal exterior, pushing it inwards.  Over time, those dents and divots will accumulate, pushing his surface further and further towards his hollow core, until he eventually turns into a ball of metal.  He went from an open and expansive being to a contracted, solid mass.  This metaphor illustrates the exact same process that happens to us internally as we live our lives.  As little children, we start out open and free; but as life experiences accumulate, we continuously contract until we become dense, heavy, and constricted.

Not only do we have to contend with the myriad experiences we’ve undergone in this life, but (if we are still following Eastern logic) also from every previous life we’ve ever lived, which can be many.  This means that we have centuries of impressions pressing on us, pressuring us to contract, that we must overcome.  Now, going back to my original point about the difficulty in attempting to succinctly label our identities, it furthermore means that old impressions can surface and contradict longstanding opinions we have about ourselves.  Have you ever had a strange thought come into your awareness seemingly unassociated with your usual train of logic?  Yet it seems unusually potent?  This could be an old samskara surfacing.

We are assembled by layer after layer of impressions, each vying for our focus and our willingness to include it in our definition of “this is who I am.”  We are filled with so many contradicting identities and desires that it becomes impossible to pin any one down as “this is me.”   Yogic philosophy says that in our previous lives we have been every different gender, race, sexual orientation, belief system, religion, etc.  Because of these opposing and overlapping experiences, the more we try to limit ourselves to any box, the more we realize that we don’t really fit.

“As I practiced meditation more and more, I began to sense the same awareness residing in people I met, nature, and surroundings.”

When I was a teenager, I read a lot of self-help books.  One of the common themes of this genre is the importance of positive thinking and trying to identify with only the more happy thoughts that bubble forth.  It encourages creating affirmations to affix your amazingness in your psyche.  And book after book, I found myself failing at this.  I felt like I was attempting it well, but my results were lackluster.  I felt frustrated with myself for not being better at this.

Then, when I was twenty, I discovered meditation.  Specifically, a meditation practice rooted in Kashmir Shaivism, Vedanta, and Vajrayana Buddhist practices.  What all those foreign words mean is that it was no longer was about identifying with my positive thoughts.  I discovered that ALL thoughts – the good and the bad, happy and the sad – all sprung from my samskaras.  And that I was actually none of them.  Going back to the image of the tin man, I was the empty space between the sheets of tin.  I was pure awareness.  The thoughts floating into my mind were merely distractions from the pure bliss, truth, and light that occupied the space within me.

Moreover, this emptiness inside was actually none other than the pure awareness of God.  I am God, God is me.  In this lineage/tradition of meditation, I discovered an understanding of non-dualism.  This means that there is no separation between myself and the divine, or the divine and, say, a tree.  Every physical item on Earth (and indeed the whole cosmos) is nothing but pure divine awareness manifested in physical form.  Just as light can express itself as both a particle or a wave – so too, divine awareness can express itself through energy or physical matter.  This is the very substance of current quantum research: everything can be in both the physical and non-substantial form simultaneously.

As I practiced meditation more and more, I began to sense the same awareness residing in people I met, nature, and surroundings.  Life began to feel like a sea of interconnected awareness, rather than my previous vantage as being an isolated being alone in the world.  I began to identify less with “I am so-and-so and I do this and I won that,” but “I am pure, I am love, I am bliss, I am everything, I am nothing.”   In India there is a very famous mantra: “Om Namah Shivaya.”   It roughly translates to mean: “I bow down to my Inner Self, the Self of all.”  The same radiant light within me is the same light within each of us.  It is merely the layer after layer of samskara that prevents us from seeing it.

To illustrate this point: imagine a big bowl of cookie dough.  This represents pure cosmic awareness; the dough is God.  Well, a chef comes along and breaks up the dough into little balls.  And the balls start to forget that they are actually all the same dough; they identify as being differentiated.  And the chef then dips some in chocolate chips, totally covering their surfaces and hiding the dough beneath.  He dips others in sprinkles.  Maybe a few fall in the trash and get covered in garbage.  Now, the balls think “I am chocolate” or “I am rainbows” or “I am rubbish.”  But, really, they are ALL still cookie dough; they’ve just forgotten their true selves.

It’s common adage to hear spiritual masters say: “You don’t need to become enlightened, you already are.  You just need to remember.”  In order to do so, we must meditate.  Through the process of sitting in meditation every single day, we actually buff out those samskaras, those dents.  We expand outwards, recreating that inner openness that has been constricted by time and experiences.  By cultivating a daily practice, we become more free, happy, and alive.  While my earlier attempts to become happy and confident through positive thinking failed, I soon began to find the happiness and joy I sought by letting go of identifying my thoughts as being “me.”  I continue to learn that I am so much more.  I am God.  I am Consciousness.  I am Bliss.

This is why my home is filled with artwork and photos of enlightened yogis, gurus, great saints, and Tibetan and Indian deities.  Each depiction is a connection to a being who has realized total and complete identification of their cosmic selves.  And when we gaze lovingly at them, they can inspire that same state within us.   It’s why it’s so important to seek out these beings and have them in our lives.  The space within us resonates with the vaster space inside of them and begins to grow.  We begin to feel the same expansiveness that they have attained.  And soon it’s no longer “Kaelan from Chicago,” but “I am light.  I am joy.  I am truth.”  I am bliss. And so are you.

Namaste (the divine in me bows to the divine in you.  Inside we are all one).

Art and Words by: Kaelan Strouse

Buddha photo by: Michael Fawcett

Why We Need to Choose our Surroundings Consciously

A few months ago I moved from Chicago, Illinois to sunny Los Angeles.  I left the gloom of winter with its perpetually frozen sidewalks for the warm and welcoming air of southern California.  It is the home of television, web, and cinema industries – as well as fake breasts, fluffy dogs, and reflective sunglasses.  Seven sports cars on every street corner.  Bikinis as an appropriate fashion choice while shopping at the mall. Men and women with jewelry on each finger.  My senses have been overwhelmed by the garish and the glamorous clashing together – the beautiful and the bizarre playing equally, side by side.

Over these few months, I have noticed myself acclimating to these unusual sights. I remember an instance when I first arrived in LA and went to sign up for a gym membership.  The young woman who assisted me had inflated her lips with collagen to such a size that I wanted to ask if I could borrow them for my nephew’s swimming lessons.  My grandmother’s pin cushion would have looked more demure on her face than those puffy pink lips.  In addition, her fabricated eyelashes extended so far down her face that they brushed the tops of her cheekbones.  I was surprised she didn’t require a construction crane to leverage her eyelids apart.

But that was just my first day in Los Angeles.  Last week, I came across the same membership advisor, and to my total shock I found her face inline with what I now perceive as “natural.”  It no longer seemed exaggerated to me – even though I’m certain the lips and eyelashes were of the same proportions.  My perception of what is “normal” has changed by being indoctrinated into a culture where what is excessive elsewhere is merely commonplace.  What would be considered a monstrosity in the Midwest seems elegant in LA.

And this change in perception frightens me.  Within such a short period of time, my spectrum of what is acceptable has shifted.  And while this type of shift has been very positive at other times in my life (such as learning to see my sexuality as a gift and blessing), I am pretty confident that I do not want to adopt the appreciation of excess that is so prevalent here.  I do not want to think that “more” and “bigger” is “better,” or that outer façades are the most important attributes of a human being.  I want to see a person with facial characteristics blown up past anything nature would have provided as being comical. I don’t want to loose my ability to discern the exaggerated from the sincere.

When I reflect on what attributes I would like my surroundings to encourage, the following come to mind: empathy, simplicity in living, compassion, sincerity, truthfulness, creativity, and seeing the innate perfection already existing in all living beings.  And I am not sure that this La La Land culture cares about all these qualities – nay, even some of them.  The question then becomes whether I should endure here and fight against the dominant culture, or seek a home elsewhere.  If I stay, I realize that it will require cultivating a strong support network of individuals that harmonize with my vision of the world and remind me what is truly important for real happiness and wellbeing. I don’t want the way that the majority of Angelenos see the world to become my prevailing vantage.

“I sincerely wish to cultivate a life where I see myself as already perfect, and that true attractiveness comes from my inner light shining brightly outwards.”

Throughout history there have been examples of men and women who have stood against hate, bias, anger, and public disapproval, and endured.  They became beacons of hope for people to emulate. But is that the best way to build a life (since it’s certainly not the easiest)?  Would those people have chosen to weather those storms had they been able to go elsewhere? Do I want to become a lighthouse, rising above the salty waves and winds that attempt to pull me back into the deep of superficiality? Wouldn’t I be better suited in a culture that cherishes the same values as I?

Several decades ago, a great meditation master named Swami Muktananda talked about this very topic.  He called it “paying attention to the company you keep.”  In many of his books, he discussed how we will rise or fall to the general level of the individuals surrounding us.  For the past seven years of my life, I lived in a yogic ashram.  I was surrounded by a community of spiritual aspirants.  Every day we meditated, chanted, cooked healthy food, did selfless service.  Everyone was interested in growing and cultivating their best selves.  The people that surrounded me had qualities I aspired to attain.  Furthermore, I had wonderful family, childhood friends, artistic collaborators, and an amazing partner nearby to help raise my level.  I yearned to be the mean of the wonderful people surrounding me.

Since coming to LA, I have been entirely on my own. There has been practically no one here with whom I interact with on a regular basis.  So does that mean that I am now the average of the few people I see with any regularity – such as the grocery clerk at Whole Foods, or the neighbor that’s bitter and resentful of everyone?  Certainly, I am still in regular contact with my loved ones from back home, but they aren’t physically here with me.  And that provides a unique challenge for identifying my actual peer group.

A more recent figure that has similarly stressed the importance of our surroundings is Warren Buffett; he calls this practice “Marrying Up.” Mr. Buffett articulates this as choosing a spouse that is more amazing than yourself, and inspires you so completely that you begin to pick up their best qualities.  He argues to choose the same for one’s most intimate circle of friends.  I do feel tremendously blessed that I have “married up” in terms of my partner and my closest friendships. I have some truly fantastic people in my life.  But these fools aren’t here with me.  And, frankly, FaceTime isn’t quite the same as a real life interaction.

So what’s a yokel to do?  Shall I stay here and “batten down the hatches” for a spell, enduring the toxic waters?  Or do I find a more amicable culture in which to reside?  If I stay, then I certainly need friends, family, and my partner here with me, as well as finding locals that mesh with my priorities and worldview.  I am scared, though, that I will travel further down this abyss of superficiality and decide months from now that such practices as injecting human growth hormone or melatonin II as being acceptable life choices because is so permissible here – and it plays upon my insecurities of being too skinny and pale.  I sincerely wish to cultivate a life where I see myself as already perfect, and that true attractiveness comes from my inner light shining brightly outwards.

I suppose it comes down to this: our surroundings have a profound effect on us.  What matters most is that we become conscious of what those influences are so we can choose to flow with them, or fortify against them.  We all have blessed areas of our lives: people or institutions that remind us of our innate worth, beauty, intelligence, and god-like spark.  We all also have areas in our lives that encourage our deepest fears and tensions to multiply.  As an actor I am in an industry that can sometimes highlight these constricted and dark areas of my psyche; but the art form also has the capacity to bring light, joy, laughter, enlightenment to many individuals.  Ultimately, it doesn’t so much matter where we are, so long as we are using our lives to make ourselves better than we were yesterday and make the world a better place.  It’s all a journey – and we might as well enjoy the surroundings.  For the vistas will change before we even notice them passing.

Namaste (The enlightened part of me bows to the enlightened part of you – inside we are one.)


Art and words by:  Kaelan Strouse